I’ve always hated the saying “when it rains it pours.” For starters, it took me becoming old enough to fully realize the brevity of those words that I’ve heard my father speak of many times throughout my life. As a child, I was such a dreamer and much like now, very much an inhabitant of a world I created for myself, often from a pile of dreams.
It was my inquisitive, and precocious nature growing up, that spruced a naïveté of the real life happenings that occurred with my dad. He’s dealt with some heavy adulting such as being laid off once, overcoming it, and working fiercely to maintain a comfortable existence for both my sister and I. What I know now, that I didn’t know then, was that my dad at some point had to figure his sh*t out! If not for him, for his family. Especially for his free spirited son who often often opted to live in a world within his head, free of chaos.
Now that I’m very much a grown man, I’ve had my share of triumphs, but also reached a point where I’ve been caught in a continuous onslaught of rain. At times, it felt as if it would continue to pour into a Dixie cup, not equipped to handle a shower of pain and disappointment.
A lot can happen in a year. I lost my job, my nephew to violent crime, and my overall lifestyle as I knew it. I was forced to be someone different. I rebelled! I could not under any circumstances be the person I felt the world was forcing me to be. I was not a victim, or was I?
The truth is, nothing really prepares you for your entire life changing for the worse almost overnight. I was good though right? That’s what I thought at first. I would be the support my family so desperately needed all while mourning myself. I would then take advantage of my newly free schedule to be of service and then eventually figure IT out!
I’ve also done enough personal development to know that I am my own savior! I know with assurance that no one was coming to rescue me and that not every person who calls me a friend, is truly one. Don’t get me wrong, I have great people in my life, but just as you don’t know who your friends are until someone dies or you have to move, the same applies when you have become an entirely different person in order to grow.
People, especially those closest to you, sometimes want (need) to you to be whom they’ve always known you to be. What they may not be at liberty to comprehend, is that it’s possible that too much has happened both good and bad, for you to ever return to a version of yourself that more often served their needs and or comfort.
In figuring it out, I’ve learned that as I grow, I need to be around what and whom, is ascending to the level that I’ve dreamed about since I was a little boy, safe within the four walls of my bedroom. I needed to detach from everything and everyone because the person many knew me to be, no longer existed. He was dead and not ever coming back. The real kicker is, there was a part of me that was happy and relieved that was the case.
It took many sleepless nights and meditation to get to a place where I was called to be better. I was forced to be different. I’ve spent a lifetime of adult living that kept me complacent, even while still pursuing the life I wanted and deserved. With that in mind, I knew for me to figure it out meant to mourn the loss of my identity as I knew it. I had to create a new me from the inside out.
“I’m still putting the pieces together and sometimes that means doing it completely solo.”
It ain’t easy being thrusted into an existence I never wanted, but it was the figurative ice, cold water thrown in my face that was mentally, and spiritually, the kick in the ass I needed. Not for punishment for previous poor choices which is what I initially thought, but for my growth and stepping into the shoes of the person I was destined to be.
I’m still putting the pieces together and sometimes that means doing it completely solo. I’m good with that, and my decision to figure it out has nothing to do with anyone. I knew that if folks felt slighted by my attention to self care, they should not take it personally. It’s simply not about them, and has everything to do with me!
Everyone I’ve known and loved ain’t coming along on this journey. I’ve made peace with that a long time ago. I am however, grateful for their role in defining who I was at the time, and who I needn’t be to move forward. When it rains is pours, but when you decide to take the first step to a new you, the road to new beginnings can provide a safe place to ride out the storm. I’m still figuring it out, and something tells me, I will for quite some time to come.