Things weren’t getting better. In fact they were continuing to get worse but I began to trust myself and the butterflies in my stomach that told me, something better is coming. I found myself each day expressing gratitude because as dismal and things were, they could always be worse. I had a roof over my head, food to eat, clean clothes, and saw people everyday who loved me unconditionally.
I lost it all including my way of life but still embraced stumbling over a million and one little toys spread about. Life was happening to me now, and I was willing to work through the mess to get to the other side. I got to see myself for who I truly am without all the trappings. At first it was harsh and extremely ugly. I learned in the process that I get to co-create the next chapter of my life and know that deciding to end it all was not an answer to putting my light out before I could show the world all of my gifts and abilities. In the darkest of days, I felt the magic deep down. It took some digging, crying, anger, and blame before I saw the value in myself again. I’m still here to make a difference and regardless of life’s jabs, I’ve managed to still be standing. I’m still able to wake up each day, begin again and chose to walk with the butterflies.
Throughout my present journey, I dialed back my social media presence for a variety of reasons. When I would reactivate Facebook and Instagram it all seemed ridiculous. Countless people still subscribing to an illusion. The illusion of if you’re posting on social media, life is good. Why wouldn’t it be? Everyone is carefully crafting their profiles to appear glossy and full of happiness. I get it. It’s just far too many people I witnessed and some of whom I knew, were not always telling the truth about so many things. It felt as if people across various platforms were scrambling to maintain a facade, and mine had faded long ago. I was now exposed to the truth of a new me and a new normal. That’s the version I wanted to present to the world. To me, authenticity still mattered.
The one burning question I, and maybe some of your reading this might have, is how did I shift my perspective when nothing changed in my life? That is indeed the right question but took months before I could answer. I knew that when I was able to generate income, travel again, and build a new networking and social circle, I wanted it to be from a place of empowerment. I didn’t want to still harbor feelings of despair and then get a job and then say, wow, all is well because now I’m working! Those feelings of hopelessness I had yesterday is all gone with the wind. For me, it couldn’t work out that way. That wasn’t good enough, death wasn’t good enough nor an option because I was strong enough to see this nightmare through to the end!
It was important that when the universe granted me with a new beginning, that I would be mentally strong and prepared dominate in a manner as if my life depended on it. I wouldn’t have had this fire if not for the hell and back journey I trekked through and for that, I was grateful. I was happy I was unable find a reason to leave this world. What I thought was my lowest point was actually me exhibiting strength that came from me simply standing on my own, wanting and deserving more than my current reality. I’ve earned my life, and I was owed my destiny.
There are so many lessons I’m learning throughout this process but one of the biggest is that anyone’s life can change for the worst at the drop of a dime. Regardless of your education, resources, organizational affiliations, you are not immune to a personal catastrophe. You can however, be better prepared for it and chose who you’re going to be when the cinder blocks of life are stacked against you.
In this moment, I can say without hesitation that I’m doing fine. I’m a man of conviction and it was important to not just exist and survive, but to live and thrive! I’ve been doing some heavy lifting in creating a new world for myself. I have broken from the chains of societal norms and no longer holding on to ideologies that weren’t serving my greater purpose.
I created Ruelon.com when it was painful and down right terrifying to be completely honest with myself. I did it anyway because I always believed it would help someone else. I just wished that I remembered who that man was who took risks before the thought of not being around ever crept in my head. I’m the shit, and no job, vacation, fair weather friends, or social media outlet can tell me any different. I no longer had to be the person people knew. I was in constant state of becoming and surrendered to the concept of letting go and letting be.
If you’re still reading this, and you feel the world is against you, maybe you’re right! That very well may be a sign that it’s time to create something new from ground zero and this time, you’ll know and do better. I was grateful that I received the support when I needed it even if I rebelled while desperately clinging to a cycle of a life that ended.
Your pain, as gut wrenching as it is, will not be a battle you have to fight alone. It will take time, lots of time, and will require people who love you when you can’t do it on your own. If you find yourself in a position where your family isn’t the greatest, and you don’t have many friends, then I encourage you to talk with someone through a variety of resources who get it! I chose to fight because it was what my soul wanted. It’s not to imply that those who lost the battle didn’t try – their circumstances may not have been mine. That has to be acknowledged and their efforts respected. I was grateful to learn that my soul knew the way home and it would take me there when it was time to do so.
I had to learn to embrace the fall and accept the help when offered. It’s one of the many things I’ve adopted as truth. I’d encourage anyone who is struggling to reinvent themselves and create their own personal code that serves you, and only you. A code that can stand on its own and compel you to keep believing in yourself during the moments that convince you it’s not worth it. Those moments will come, but trust in the notion that they are temporary and they are not in alignment with what you’ve already committed to being.
My new outlook on life is now wrapped in a blanket of enthusiasm that something amazing is happening behind the scenes. It hasn’t all manifested yet and that’s the exciting part! I’m co-creating my “what’s next” knowing that I’ve got work to do. I’ve always been on the right path but it was the painful detours that gave me what I needed to reach my destination. It is for that reason that I owe the ugliness of it all my gratitude.